I am a prisoner in my own mind.

I have Asperger's Syndrome. I don't have it as bad as some but there are some things that, in my mind, are not quite right.

"Asperger's syndrome, is an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) that is characterized by significant difficulties in social interaction, alongside restricted and repetitive patterns of behavior and interests. It differs from other autism spectrum disorders by its relative preservation of linguistic and cognitive development. Although not required for diagnosis, physical clumsiness and atypical (peculiar, odd) use of language are frequently reported." -The Almighty Wikipedia

This, combined with ADD, gives me some interesting quirks, some of which I will share with you. Really, as no one reads this, I am really just writing them down.

First and foremost is that I don't like people. Rather, that is to say, I don't like interacting with people. I don't feel comfortable talking to people and I don't seem to relate to people my age really well. I am great with kids because I have a comparable attention span and fascination with similar things (bugs, rocks, animals, poop, burping, farting, etc). When I do have to talk or interact with people I get anxiety about saying or doing something stupid or unacceptable (even people I've known for years) that will make them hate me or think ill of me (some of this may stem from childhood trauma too). At the same time I am extremely uncomfortable looking at people's faces. I can look close, such as at an ear, forehead, neck (sometimes I've had women uncomfortably adjust their shirt at that, I apologize, I am not looking at your breasts) etc, but I can't look people in the face and on the occasion that I do I usually have what a term a "freak-out" afterwards.

"Freak-outs" involve me having to find a spot alone where my brain can fire off all its discomfort and get rid of it. In the process my eyes will move back and forth as far as they can to try to stretch the muscles out (because it physically hurts my eyes to look at people) and my heart races until the "freak-out" passes. Other things cause "freak-outs" as well. Sometimes there is just too much sensation at one time and I have to cut one of them off. I usually accomplish that by covering my eyes or my ears to block out one of those senses. Sometimes when my eyes are bad I see things start moving that are completely inanimate; the biggest offender on this is a textured ceiling, the textures become pictures and shapes that move around on the ceiling. Most of the time I see animal or humanesq-ue faces (made of texture shapes) that turn and watch me or seem to do battle with each other. I always have to put my arm over my eyes when that happens and breathe.

The other side of the sensory input, though, is that I have really fast reaction times and can usually fully follow multiple conversations at the same time. This can also be annoying as I'll be listening to a teacher in Sunday School, talking to my wife, listening to my neighbors argue about their child, and hear the people in front of me discussing dinner plans. Any of these conversations I could repeat back verbatim. One time for the hell of it I watched three TV shows at the same time and understood everything.

Some of my other quirks include a necessity to sit in the same spot for everything. Computer time requires I be on the left side of the couch; TV the right. Dinner I'm on the first left chair of the table; Games the first right. (Last night I sat in the second right chair and my brain thought the game board was wrong. I insisted and insisted that it was wrong and my eyes started doing their stretching routine. After about 5 minutes I was able to realize what was wrong and reorient myself,  but up to that point my brain ached with the wrongness.) Church I have to sit on the back pew by the arm; I usually arrive 30 minutes early so I can have my spot. If someone has taken that pew and I am forced to sit somewhere else my heart races and I can't focus on anything going on, my knee bounces, my body shakes. It's all rather horrible.

Quirk the forty-second: I don't generally talk like other people. I use British and archaic slang, I structure my sentences somewhat differently, I tend to use larger terms than necessary (I had a couple of friends tell me they use their google, or dictionary, apps a lot more frequently when I'm around) and sometimes have to repeat a sentence with different words to make people understand. That I kind of blame other people for (example, not often is "that' used that way as it becomes confusing) as I think that people should have a larger vocabulary and use more of the English Language. (I also take great, great delight in wordplay).

I have several routines that I do in order to make sure my day goes smoothly and when I need to change a routine it usually takes a couple of weeks before I am comfortable again. Some of these routines are rather simple things that shouldn't make a difference, but do. For example; When I get in my car I have to start it, put it in gear, and then put on my seat-belt. If I don't do it in that order then several hours of my day will be governed by anxiety and my brain firing all cylinders trying to justify within itself what I did. Part of my brain will say "it's okay, it's unimportant, the end result was the same". Another part of my brain will say "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH". A third will argue with the first that It doesn't know what It's talking about and because I did something wrong something horrible is going to happen. All the while the background of my brain will play a movie or song that I find soothing (some of these may be surprising to other people: Movies that my brain calms itself with are the Star Wars trilogy (I can play the entire movie(s) in my head verbatim), Pride and Prejudice (A&E version, the others are tommy-rot), and Kill Bill. Music that plays is (9 times out of 10) The Girl From Ipanema).

I learned over the years how to deal with most of my quirks and "freak-outs" to the point that I appear mostly normal and people have no idea that my brain is firing a hundred thoughts at a time. Sometimes I have to explain things I say and how I got there. Much like a person can get on youtube and find themselves after a click on a click on a click looking at a page on the binomial nomenclature of a cape buffalo my brain will hear something and flip flip flip flip flip to something completely unrelated that makes absolute sense to me but once voiced meets confused stares. Along with that is quite literally everything that someone says will bring a song or movie to mind immediately. EVERYTHING.

Anyway, there are more inexplicabilities that go on, but I just wanted to ramble a little bit about some of the things I do that make people say/think "what the hell?".

A Little Bit Jumbled and Jivey

There's been a lot of outcry as of late about Gay Marriage. As such, I decided to jot down my thoughts on the matter. I considered, briefly, facebooking them, but I saw other people's thoughts voiced on Facebook and it turned into hateful arguments. I don't appreciate hate, so figure I'd do it here in a less seen forum.

To start off with let me just say that I adore my wife. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me and makes me so much better a person than I was on my own. She truly completes me and gives more to my life than I've ever had. I think that everyone should have the opportunity to have someone like that in their life. Who am I to say "you don't deserve a second half because you're different"? Besides the obvious (sex) that people snicker that marriage is about she fulfills me in ways mentally, conversationally, temporally etc. This is not to even mention the fact that I can look at a ring on my hand and think to myself that I have a partner for everything through this life and the eternities.

How dare I, or anyone in a heterosexual relationship say that those that swing the other way don't deserve that peace of mind, satisfaction, joy, and peace? That is my first school of thought.

My other argument is geared toward those that say that homosexuality and any relationships therein are against the bible and preached through their churches to be foul and wrong. Great. Good for that. Marriage in the context we're speaking right now is a secular argument. The right to be married in this country to the person of your choice under the constitutional thoughts of separation of church and state and that ALL MEN ARE CREATED EQUAL. (Men meaning the race, not the gender of course.)

Religiously my church says "no". Constitutionally my country should be saying "duh, of course you can. Yes the country was set up with belief that their is an almighty, but it was also set up so that It could function separate from a religions influence. Aside from the religious argument or people saying that it immoral (in accordance with their own morals of course) I have not heard an argument as to why two people can't be married. This brings up my point about religion; let's say that Jim is Atheist or Wiccan or some other religion than Christian and doesn't believe that there is a Christ or God as taught by Christianity. Why then do we think that a Christian belief and moral should dictate his life? I know people from many religions. Some of them are better people than many Christians I know. They of course are exposed to a different manner of estrangement and hatred, but that's another post altogether.

As for Gay people, I of course was taught that they are wrong and bad people when I was a child. I have come to know that any category of person cannot be painted with such a broad brush. I have many friends and even some relatives that are Gay. They are great people and I love them no differently than my straight friends. One of them in particular would do anything for anybody in need. He is kind and thoughtful and looks out for many people less fortunate than him, asking nothing in return. He is still in the closet because of hate and misunderstanding and at this point in his life will probably not have the opportunity to have a marriage because he just hit 70. Did I mention that he is a devout Mormon that attends his meetings and the temple?

I guess the end of my ramble is this. If you don't support gay marriage for any reason, that's great, but don't assume that your morality and your rules should apply to everyone. Not everybody has the same beliefs. Even if you KNOW that your church is true anybody will see that as being true for you, not for them. I know people of many denominations that KNOW that they have truth.
If you are a married individual and have a complete life, take a step back and think how it would be different if you were not allowed to be with your partner. Done? How then in good conscience can you deny anybody the right and feeling that comes with marriage?

Well, here I am.

A buck for anyone that knows that quote without cheating.

So life lately has been lifing. I've been looking for a new job with no success. I enjoyed working as a carpenter but they suddenly had no work. I did have to take a couple of months to let my feet heal as they've decided to have all sorts of issues, but they're better(ish) now and I need a job.

I've applied to everything that I can find, from retail to banks to laborer, but everyone "goes a different direction". I take this to mean there must be something wrong with me. Is it because I'm overweight? I don't smell or show up disheveled to interviews. I feel that I portray myself well; by that I mean that I'm professional and polite. I don't get it.

So meanwhile I'm not providing for my family and hating the fact that I'm not. I wish I had an idea I could sell for a million bucks, but even the great ideas I have I have no idea how to act upon. (I'm nerdily tickled that I wrote "I have I have")

So if my one reader knows of any job or how to go about building a prototype, let me know.

I'm a Mormon, Yes I Am.

Recently there has been a lot of exposure about Mormonism. Some good, some bad. The other day I had a friend who I respect and care about attack Mormonism with foulness, expletives, "you believe's", "did you know's", "Joseph Smith this and that's". Basically all things I've heard before, but not from someone I trust and love.

I have never been confrontational about my beliefs. I know they seem different and weird to people, but you know what, some of theirs seem that way to me. I think that we should live and let live. Even on my mission if I came across people that had a belief they were stalwart in and thought was the truth I would thank them for their time and move on (if they expressed no desire to hear about mine). I wouldn't push and wheedle like other missionaries I knew. I wouldn't insist that they need to come to my truth. If they had a belief I was happy for them, and you know what, I was an extremely successful missionary by teaching those who wanted to be taught.

All that said I'm going back to my railing friend who asked venomously "why do you even believe that? Why do you follow so many restrictions and rules? There's no truth in those, why not just have fun and enjoy life?" I've heard all these things before, I've thought about these things before. Here's my answer:

I am a Mormon, and I believe in my church because I hope. I hope beyond comprehension that the church is true. I hope beyond 'rational thought' that I'll be sealed to my wonderful wife for all eternity. My heart and soul ache with the losses of my baby brother Enoch and my brother in law Brian. Both of them were honestly too good for this earth and I hope beyond all my own comprehension and understanding that when I leave this world they will be waiting for me and I will get to wrap my arms around them and share eternity with them. I hope that the atonement is real, I hope that Christ really paid for my many many shortcomings. I hope that there is a world of Joy and Light beyond this one where I can be with my beloved family and friends. I hope. Plain and simple.

I also believe. I believe in the things that I'm taught because they resonate within me and feel right. I believe that there must be more to life than just this life. I can't comprehend passing on from this life to nothing. NOTHING, not even existence. I cannot believe that.

Long and short, I am a Mormon. I hope. I believe. I will not rant and rail at you for what I think is strange and restrictive. I do enjoy life, I don't need some of the things that other people "need" to have fun. I have some issues with some things that are not necessarily taught, but are widely believed, by my church. But I deal with those and do the best that I possibly can.

And you know what? If I'm wrong, and there is nothing after this life at least I had that brightness of hope; at least I lived the best that I could, making mistakes all the way, but learning and growing. If I'm right and there is more in the next world and I do get to be with my brothers and I get to hear my God say "well done, enter into the rest of the Lord" how happy will I be and I hope that you will join me there eventually.

CIty of Joseph. City "the Beautiful". City of Joseph, Nauvoo.

This summer Susan and I went to Nauvoo. She played in the bagpipe band for the pageant. I hung out and ate Casey's pizza and Annie's frozen custard.

We had fun. Poor Susan played four times a day with the last time being an hour and a half straight to drown out the protesters. I was under strict instruction to not punch the protesters. Bah.

We got to see old Nauvoo and go across to the Iowa side of things to see the Temple from across the river.

Every day the pipe band would parade down Mulholland street and then play one or two 30 minute gigs in old Nauvoo. At 7:00 pm they would muster at the entrance to the pageant and play until about 8:25 while people were coming in. At 8:30 they'd begin the pageant by playing at the front of the flag presentation. At one point during the pageant a few had a small part on stage and then they'd have to stay around and mingle afterwards. With the exception of 2 hour-ish breaks they would be at it from 10:30 am to close to 11:00 pm. I was super proud of her.

I took Susan, and a couple friends that went out, to AOA and Far West and through Nauvoo and to Liberty Jail. 

After the pageant was over we drove to Missouri where we were able to be a part of doing Enoch's temple work at the Kansas City Temple. I was able to Baptize Seth as proxy for Enoch. It was really special and an experience I'll treasure forever.

Brian

                                                            Brian is in the middle


I've been meaning to post a blog all day about how life isn't fair for taking Brian and how saddened and angry at God I am, but instead I figure I should talk about how great he was and is.

First I heard from Brain was am email that Susan forwarded to me after telling him that we were engaged. He was so bubbly and excited for her and stoked that we were going to wait for him to come back from his mission to be able to attend. His email was full of "wow's" and "yea's". I could tell how much he loved Susan and how truly happy he was for her.

I got to go along with Susan and tom and Kathy when they picked him up at the airport. He was a turd; rather than coming down the escalator like the rest of the missionaries he snuck around another stairway and tried to sneak around the crowd of people to surprise his family. Susan spoiled that plan by discovering him. He laughed it off and threw his arms around Kathy.

All the way home he muttered things such as "where am I?" "what is this place?" "where are the trees?" Susan reached out her hand to him and he put a pass-along card in it and said "Jesus came to the Americas." I was being dumb and he'd mutter "who is this guy?" Whenever his mom or dad called him "Brian" he'd correct them by muttering "Elder Kelley".

I have dinner twice a week at his parents house where he stayed for a while after coming home and I'd get to laugh and joke with him and play card games and watch him try to cheat all the while directing his signature 'ssssssssssss' at his mom.

Brian moved in with us for a couple months to be closer to Provo. I remember nights of playing Mario while giggling like idiots and screaming in fright at the unexpected traps in the levels all the while with Susan laughing at us.

Of course he came out to Nauvoo with us when we got married and he made the trip hilarious. From climbing on statues to making friends with everyone out there to stealing Susan's cowl and parading around to being the self appointed cake-cutter/drink filler at our reception he just kept everybody laughing and happy.

Brian was a joy. He was truly a happy kid and he was beautiful and he knew it. Everybody was Brian's friend, they just didn't know it yet. The world is a darker place without him, and I am lucky beyond belief to have known him and to be able to see him again.

Second Verse, Same as the First

SO, back to the cruise...



Our third stop was in Belize where we decided to take an excursion. Most were expensive and not things we'd think we'd do but we found one to the zoo for about 60 each that both of us thought would be fun. It was cool. After a bus ride of an hour or so we got to the Zoo which was a fenced off section of jungle in the middle of nowhere. The thing I liked about the zoo was that instead of paddocks and cement like in America the Belizians fenced off sections of jungle and left dirt and gravel paths between the different enclosures. So basically all of the animals were in their natural habitat with trees and bushes and creeks etc. there were some really cool animals that I haven't seen in any zoo's here and the jungleness of the place was awesome.

This is one of the paths in the zoo.














Is to for Jaguar.






We had a lot of fun there and got to see cool animals and hold a boa.

Next stop Grand Cayman

Cayman is one of my favorite places in the world. I've been there 4 times now and I absolutely love it. We took an excursion here as well and went to the turtle farm. Incredible. We got to see the breeding tank that had hundreds of huge turtles, we held the little yearlings and got to get in a holding tank and play with them. it was awesome. Of course I had to try the turtle burger at the bar. Susan was horrified.  As seen in the picture if you rub a turtles neck he gets all sorts of excited and arches his neck back for deeper rubs. They were so cute.

After a couple days at sea we were back in Miami and not too long after back in the old UT. It was fun, we kinda maybe wanna sorta go again.